洪七公：hi，锋哥，好久不见，最近好么？
欧阳锋：我很好啊，你看我帅的，金城武都羡慕撒。你呢？
洪七公：我现在天天吃黄蓉在香格里拉给我烧的菜，味道好极了，生活滋润着呢。哎，你现在怎么搞个这么酷的发型，光头啊。
欧阳锋：你有所不知。
洪七公：细细道来。洗耳恭听。
欧阳锋：你的打狗棒法练得怎么样了？拿到证书了没？
洪七公：就打打狗呗。还一门没过。
欧阳锋：我的蛤蟆功已经修炼成功了，考试也通过了。
洪七公：真的？
欧阳锋：嗯，你知道嘛，练得过程好辛苦啊。你还记得我们家小时候的那条小河么？
洪七公：记得，怎么会不记得。水清澈着嘞，河里有很多的虾鱼蟹蚌，我们的美好的童年就在那里度过的。
欧阳锋：那里现在的水真他妈的臭啊，河面上漂浮着除尸体之外的东西应有尽有，不应有的也有。水也干涸了不少。真他妈恶心。但，为我练蛤蟆功创造了条件，就是第一门考试：喝毒水。我喝了之后，然后人就昏迷过去了。醒来之后，功力大增。通过。
洪七公：那你的胸部怎么也发育了？
欧阳锋：然后，练第二式（即第二门考试科目）：吃激素。现在的水果蔬菜鸡鸭兔肉看上去不论个子还是颜色光泽，都是顶呱呱的，但那些都是激素注射进去的。你知道我贪吃的，一吃多，就跑出胸部来了。基于我的胸部现在要用E罩杯了，考试委员会给了我优秀的成绩。
洪七公：你的发型在那个国内著名美容美发店搞的？
欧阳锋：我这是自然的。因为我现在用的衣服和家纺用品的原料都是人工合成的，什么从石油里啊煤里啊提取的，穿多了，头发就掉光了。只有几件是从白天鹅公司购进的，质量还可以。
洪七公：再说说你的蛤蟆功？
欧阳锋：接着是第三式（即第三门考试科目）：要学会飙车，且一定要压死人。你知道的，开车不是我的专长，于是我就想请胡斌帮我替开的，没想到他在我的邀请之前就已经行动了，没办法啊，于是我又请了魏志刚老师，终于完成任务。
洪七公：第四式呢?
欧阳锋：腐败、糜烂。生活越腐败越糜烂，就越容易pass，要么给我们的检考官送点礼。我们的检考官是**党。
洪七公：哦，晓得了，怪不得我去年考试的时候没过。今年考打狗棒法的最后一棒《一棒打死你》的时候，一定得送点理。
欧阳锋：我的毒功夫现在更上一层楼了。
洪七公：嗯，百炼成钢。你吃了那么多毒素，人品又毒。当然现在是高手中的高手了。
欧阳锋：客气客气。
在这个时候，有只蚊子飞过来，欧阳锋哈了一口气，就把蚊子毒死了。恰在此时，又听到黄蓉的女儿郭襄在那里大喊救命，原来是一只大雕追着他不放。欧阳锋跑过去救美，雕狠狠的啄了他一口，啄得他手上红血直流。但是，欧阳锋没事，雕却被他毒死了。
洪七公：锋哥，厉害厉害。士别三日，当刮目相看。
理想，它不理，我不想。
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